- Maria Montessori, The Absorbent Mind
"There are some insects which look like leaves, and others which look like stalks. They pass their lives on leaves and stalks, which they resemble so perfectly as to seem completely one with them. Something like this happens in the child. He absorbs the life going on about him and becomes one with it, just as these insects become one with the vegetation on which they live. The child's impressions are so profound that a biological or psychochemical change takes place, by which his mind ends by resembling the environment itself. Children become like the things they love. In every type of life it has been discovered that this power exists, of absorbing the environment and coming to resemble it."
- Maria Montessori, The Absorbent Mind
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Several weeks ago, I told a story about a small group of boys who wanted to play "bad guys" and a larger group of children who wanted them to stop. After much discussion, the "bad guys" finally proposed that they would still play bad guys, but they wouldn't act like bad guys. This didn't satisfy many of the anti-bad guy faction, but it's where we left matters for the day. There was no apparent bad guy play that afternoon, and now, more than a month later, there still has been no return of bad guy play.
There's a kicker to this story. A couple days after our classroom discussion, the mother of one of the leaders of the bad guys, said to me, "He told me he wasn't going to play bad guys any more because Francis doesn't like it." He had gone home and thought about himself, his classmates, and his relationships with them. He had thought about his reputation and the kind of boy he wanted to be, and from that, made a difficult decision. At the time, we were both proud of him, but wondered if he would be able to stick to it. Here we are six weeks later, and still no sign of bad guys. Two nights ago, after our big all-school spring orientation meeting for parents, I went for a drink with his mom. I brought up the story. She said, "That has become a real turning-point moment for us. I asked him how he felt about giving up being a bad guy. He told me it made him sad, but he was going to stick to his decision because he didn't like scaring Francis. He's holding these two ideas in his mind and choosing one of them even though he doesn't want to." No one told him to stop playing bad guys. No adult stepped in with threats or artificial consequences or promises of ice cream. Had we done that, had we attempted to impose or cajole a solution, we would have really only left him with the choices of obedience or disobedience, which is where young children so often find themselves. By instead stepping back, we left a space in which deep, reflective thinking could actually take place, and learning to think for ourselves is why we come to school. This has been, and continues to be, a democratic process. Too often we act as if democracy is merely a ham-fisted exercise in majority rules, but that's not it at all. The heart of democracy, of self-governance, are processes like this, based upon talking, listening, and thinking. Obedience has no part in it. Written by the fantastic Teacher Tom. Mikey's Signature Sculpture Yesterday I walked into my closet and sensed that something was amiss. I wondered if I had hung the empty hangers on the drawer pulls. Possible. Did my husband drop the hangers into the laundry bins? Not likely. Then I saw it...Mikey's signature. Four hangers were hanging one from the next, leaning right and left, until the chain reached the floor. Hangers present an interesting material for a preschool engineer. Hooks make them cool; managing the balance makes them mechanically interesting. Mikey likes to work with them by building down. He likes to hang one from another. He starts by placing the proximate hook in the center of the horizontal piece of the preceding hanger. Then he slides it to its lowest energy state. One at a time he makes a chain that extends from the bar to the floor. These four hangers are his signature. The other hangers placed strategically around the room are his play. Living with a preschooler is sometimes frustrating, usually entertaining, and always interesting. In the case of the spontaneous hanger sculpture I have chosen to see it as the work of a preschool engineer. He is learning about balance. He is learning to use found objects in his art. (Yes, I consider this preschooler art.) He is thinking outside the closet, being creative, and only inconveniences me a teeny tiny bit. Kids don’t learn about peace by singing about it. Kids learn peace skills by having problems. My mentor Jan Waters taught me that. Kids also don’t learn peace skills by coloring “Friends” handouts or by signing their names at the bottom of school “no bullying policy” forms. It’s more complicated than that. Learning strong social and communication skills is a process. It involves boundary setting, empathy, courage, problem-solving, emotional acceptance and positive assertiveness. Simply put, peace takes practice. It’s conflict that gives kids the opportunity to practice. Sometimes we focus our efforts on preventing conflicts from happening. But kids desperately need to encounter meaningful conflicts during their day. (Ex: he’s got the green marble – I want it!). Here’s why your child benefits from conflict: Face conflicts directly Teaching children conflict mediation means they understand they have to speak directly to the person they have the problem with. Hollering “mom!” or “teacher!” isn't going to solve their problem. A supportive adult can be by their side to offer guidance and moral support, but kids need to learn early on that they must face the other child directly. That’s the beginning of solving conflicts. Cope with negative emotions Conflicts bring out rage, jealousy, frustration, sorrow, all sorts of negative, hard-to-take emotions. That’s what’s so wonderful. Children need practice understanding and processing these difficult emotions. Knowing how to express anger appropriately is an enormous life lesson for every one us. See things from another perspective The process of conflict mediation involves deep listening. What does the other person think happened? Could there be another point of view? The ability to see things from another perspective (“I didn't like it when you knocked over my tower.”) is part of how moral development unfolds. Make courage a habit Dealing with conflicts instead of dodging them can become a habit, especially if we start young. Face it, speaking up and expressing the wrong you feel can take a lot of courage. Practicing this courage regularly makes it easier. Know when to speak up This is a fundamental part of learning about conflict. Recognizing when we feel wronged, hurt, slighted or simply icky about something. “Did you like what she did? No? Well, tell her!” Kids need conflict to understand when they don’t like something and when to speak up and put a stop to someone else’s behavior. Kids who feel confident about speaking up when they don’t like something are also more apt to speak up on behalf of a friend. Peace isn’t the absence of conflict. Peace is the respectful resolution of conflict. Conflicts are part of the daily life of being human. So the next time a conflict comes up, do your best to view it as an opportunity. An opportunity to practice peace skills, the important work of conflict mediation. Written by the amazing Heather Shumaker. My kids got to bed too late last night. Sure, it was 7:30 pm and 8:50 pm, but that’s too late to meet their sleep needs. Even half an hour of sleep deprivation makes a huge difference for children’s learning, memory, behavior and happiness. This got me thinking about what we routinely deprive our children of. What’s missing in their lives. What’s truly important that we need to make more time for in family life. Lack of Nature Nature is the best, oldest and most imaginative toy – the possibilities to play with mud, sticks, trees, boulders and pine cones are endless. We all need to connect to the earth in order to be fully human and to care about life on our planet. When a child is emotionally wound up, taking him outside can bring relief. There’s something about being outside. If you live near a park or can find a tree, the benefits ratchet up even more. Medical research backs this up – in Japan they've studied the marvelous difference walking in the forest can do to decrease stress and improve health. They call it “forest-bathing.” Teaching healthy sleep habits is among the greatest gifts we can give our children. Lack of Sleep Our children are sleep deprived. With early work schedules — getting kids to before-school-care at 6am — or even early school bus times, kids ages 4 and older are consistently up too early. And they stay up too late. Some children do not even have bedtimes. Yet kids need enormous amounts of sleep. How much? For preschoolers it’s 11-13 hours (including naps) and for school-age kids it’s 10-11 hours. For most kids, that means bedtime at 7 pm or 8pm. (see The Sleep Foundation) Achievement-driven America often considers sleep a waste of time, but shortage of sleep harms learning, memory, focus, problem-solving, the immune system and, of course, emotional stability. My friend who’s a high school teacher routinely assigns sleep as homework to her students, especially before a test. Those who go to bed earlier (and don’t study) get better scores. Lack of Downtime Play, staring into space and goofing around are essential. Learning, creativity, imagination, problem-solving, persistence, empathy – all these good things come when kids pursue their own play ideas. While we rush to fill out children’s days with “enrichment” activities, we need to remember the enriching ideas already inside our children’s minds. Give them respect: time and space to flourish. (Benefits of play article) The mind is not a vessel to be filled, but a fire to be kindled. - Plutarch We can kindle it best with nature, sleep and play. What would you add to this list? How are you doing on getting enough of these three things for your child and yourself? What could you change? Written by the very talented Heather Shumaker, find her amazing blog at http://www.heathershumaker.com/ Turn-taking based on when the child decides she’s “All Done” is fair and simple (see previous post Sharing: Throw Away Your Timer). But what happens when a child hogs the ball or decides to take a really looonnnnngggg turn? When you put your child in charge of deciding when she’s all done, her turn might be five seconds, or it might be five hours. Time doesn’t mean much to a young child. Finishing what she’s involved in is what counts. Long turns are not selfish, anti-social or unkind. This idea may take some getting used to, if you’re an adult. Long turns are OK. In fact, long turns should be respected just as much as short ones. A child takes a long turn to get a need met. It may be a need for motion (a swing), a need for trust, a need for control, or simply a need to explore an intense interest. Kids typically take long turns if they’re new at child-directed turn-taking. Why? They hog a toy to test the system. It’s a matter of building trust. “Will dad really let me have the pony until I’m all done?” When they feel safe, they relax. Kids who have been forced to share in the past may take very long turns, but after they trust the system they begin to relax. The turns get shorter. Some kids have a need for control. Hanging on to one object and controlling can be a way to feel safe. Address the underlying fear. Or give the child other opportunities to experience power and control in their lives (carrying a heavy object, being in charge of something). Sometimes kids take long turns to practice a new skill or follow an intense interest. It develops focus and attention span. All the repetition may be boring to us (swinging and swinging, or pouring and pouring sand), but it’s exciting to them and these kids are working at an optimal level of learning. How long is too long? What about waiting for the long turn to be done? There is no real limit to how long a turn can be. Trust that at some point, the child will be “All Done.” Some schools make signs that save the object for the next day. “Work in Progress.” or “Saving for Sammy.” If lunch interrupts the play, the turn can continue after lunch. A magic tool for long turns – the Waiting List. In a group situation, such as a preschool, home daycare or large family, use the magic tool of the Waiting List. This works well for popular, but limited, items such as swings. Simply write the names of waiting kids. Kids learn sequence and pre-literacy skills as they look for their names on the list. Soon you’ll have children “writing” their names on their own waiting lists. It may look like scribbles, but they’ll know exactly whose turn is next. Counterintuitively, long turns offer another way for children to gain social skills and awareness of others. If a child’s been waiting a long time, it’s OK for him to be mad or frustrated and tell the other child how he feels. This helps kids who take long turns learn that their actions impact others. Meanwhile, the waiting child is learning delayed gratification and how to cope with negative emotions – vital life skills. Finally, rules may be different for crowded, public areas. Some items are for everyone. Long turns don’t work everywhere. If you’re at a crowded children’s museum, tell your kids the rules are different there. Then make room for long turns when you can. Words you can say Protecting long turns - It’s OK to have a long turn. - Yes, she’s having a long turn. When it’s your turn, you can have a long turn, too. - Zoe doesn’t have to give it to you, but you can tell her how you feel. - Tell her you’re tired of waiting! You can say you’ve been waiting all morning and it makes you mad. - Let’s make a waiting list. - Look – you’re next after Danny. Your name is right here at the top. Sharing crowded or public space - The climber is for everyone. - There are lots of other kids here. Today we need to take fast turns. - At home you can take a long turn. At the museum it’s different. - Your turn’s done. If you want to do more, you need to line up and wait for another turn. Written by the talented Heather Shumaker As soon as children are old enough to walk, we expect them to share. I prefer putting “share” in quotes, since this type of sharing is usually forced by the adult. Our goals are noble: kindness, generosity, awareness of others. Unfortunately, our approach backfires. Kids learn more life skills –and develop better generosity–when they aren’t forced to share. Of course, sharing squabbles happen all the time between kids. Here’s a typical scene: One child is busily engaged with a toy when a new child comes up and wants it. A nearby adult says: “Be nice and share your toys,” or “Give Ella the pony. You’ve had it a long time.” What happens? The child is forced to give something up and her play gets interrupted. She learns that sharing feels bad. It’s the parent who’s sharing here, not the child. Traditional sharing expects kids to give up something the instant someone else demands. Yet we don’t do this ourselves. Imagine being on your cell phone when somebody suddenly comes up and asks for your phone or takes it from you. “I need to make a phone call,” he says. Would you get mad? As adults, we expect people to wait their turn. We might gladly lend our phone to a friend or even a stranger, but we want them to wait until we’re done. The same should apply to kids: let the child keep a toy until she’s “all done.” It’s turn-taking. It’s sharing. But the key is it’s child-directed turn-taking. Positive assertiveness Here’s what it looks like in real life. Instead of YOU saying “Five more minutes, then it’s Ella’s turn” or “I’m going to set the timer,” teach your child to say “You can have it when I’m done.” This teaches positive assertiveness. It helps kids stand up for themselves and learn to set boundaries on other kids. What a terrific life skill. How many of us as adults have trouble saying “no?” True Generosity and Awareness of Others When the first child drops the toy and moves on, remind her that Ella’s waiting for a turn (a great lesson in courtesy and awareness of others). The best part of all is when the first child willingly hands over the toy—it’s a joyous moment for both kids. That’s the moment when your child experiences the rush of good feelings that comes from being kind to others. It’s true generosity. It’s a warm feeling. One she’ll want to repeat over and over – whether a parent is watching or not. Emotional Impulse Control What about the waiting child? Waiting is hard, especially for impulsive 2-6 year olds, but just like assertiveness, waiting is an excellent life skill. It’s OK for the waiting child to feel frustrated, sad or angry for a time. Don’t be afraid of a few foot stompings or tears. Learning to control behavior and express intense feelings appropriately is really the main job of early childhood. Impulse control (waiting for a toy and not grabbing) is a vital part of brain development and gets stronger through practice. The more practice kids get, the better. Sharing through turn-taking provides excellent practice. Life is much more relaxing when you stop playing referee. Throw away your timer. Kids pick up the new method quickly, because it’s fair and simple. Let kids keep a toy until they are “all done.” Words you can say Positive assertiveness - You can play with it until you’re all done. - Are you finished with your turn? Max says he’s not done yet. - Did you like it when he grabbed your truck? Tell him to stop! - Say: “I’m not done. You can have it when I’m done.” - She can have a turn. When she’s all done, you can have a turn. - I see Bella still has the pony. She’s still using it. - You’ll have to wait. I can’t let you take it out of her hands. Waiting and awareness of others - Oh, it’s so hard to wait! - You’re so mad. You really want to play with the pony right now! - You can be mad, but I can’t let you take the toy. - Will you tell Max when you’re all done? - I see you’re not using the truck any more. Go find Ben. Remember, he’s waiting for a turn. Written by Heather Shumaker One of the bedrock principles of what I do as a teacher is to proudly acknowledge that I, generally speaking, have no idea what the children are learning on any given day and, honestly, any teacher who tells you she does is mistaken.
To read more of this fantastic blog, click HERE. "When we take away their free play, we take away their ability to learn life's most important lessons: to take responsibility, to persevere, to create, to make agreements with others, and yes to get back up when we fail without some grown-up yelling at us for having fallen."
To read the whole blog post, which I highly encourage you to do, click here. "Knowing what to expect from a teacher is a really good thing, of course: It lets you get the right answers more quickly than you would otherwise. Indeed, these studies show that 4-year-olds understand how teaching works and can learn from teachers. But there is an intrinsic trade-off between that kind of learning and the more wide-ranging learning that is so natural for young children. Knowing this, it's more important than ever to give children's remarkable, spontaneous learning abilities free rein. That means a rich, stable, and safe world, with affectionate and supportive grown-ups, and lots of opportunities for exploration and play. Not school for babies."
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AuthorMother of four, preschool teacher, herbalist, wholistic birth doula, midwife's assistant, nutritional counselor, and lover of play based learning. Archives
April 2015
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